(no subject)

Thursday, 20 August 2020 01:26 pm
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)

I put a story on the back burner ages ago (my 'Hearts' property) and recently had an idea to redevelop it more in line with what I would like the aesthetic to be: strange fantasy with an aesthetic like that of H.R. Giger and Yoshitaka Amano. 

I came across some mythology that seems like it might be interesting or relevant, particularly with regard to the presence of Foreigners, the Fomorians, the dwellers-underneath. Wikipedia articles suggest that the processions of gods through Irish history have to do with waves of immigration to the island of Ireland. I have to admit that I'm interested in the concept of new gods challenging established, old gods, the power of fervor against tradition. There also seems to be quite a lot to discuss about the sea as a door into the underworld, from which these Foreigners, these phantom men, come. 

If I modify the Hearts property to accept this new idea of immigration or invasion as religious war, but change the time scales so that I am dealing with something on the scale of hundreds, if not thousands of years, then I think that would be an interesting way to slow down struggles between two (or more) peoples and frame a good love story in it. 

tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
I have been in fannish spaces so long that I forgot that there were people out there producing original work. Final Fantasy, Sailor Moon, Harry Potter, Star Wars, AVP, SNK, DMMD—all of my creative work for at least 15 years was in fandom. I dreamed of having the same luck that a certain author did, that my shameless fic would be tapped to undergo editorial scrubbing and then publishing as original work. But I never gathered a following. It was always something that happened to other people, like winning the lottery. It would not have occurred to me to write an original story. 

Until I saw a piece of art for a gay/mlm book series done by a well-known English BL artist. I hadn't ever read the books, but it was a revelation to me that they could be published. I worked in bookstores for about 8 years and all the gay fiction I ever saw was hardcore filth or was about Being Gay and Coming Out, usually as a teenager. I didn't have that experience, having been closeted until I was 34, so that kind of narrative didn't and doesn't speak to me. 

But a gay fantasy romance? Wow, you can write those? People will read them? People will buy them? And Hamletmachine did art for one? 

Huh!

Huh.

Hmm. 

I bet I could write one. 

I bet I could write one that someone would want to buy in a bookstore. 

I started writing Prince of Horses for two successive camp nanowrimo attempts in 2015 and 2016. I was still in grad school, floundering, looking for a way to move forward with my life. I made Some Progress on it, about 25k or so. But ultimately, the most valuable thing I got out of nanowrimo was learning that nanowrimo didn't work for me. Once I have a high pain or fatigue day, or once I spend one day lost in the distraction of ADD, it was an insurmountable loss. It crushed my self-confidence. I watched other people launch original projects with a wistful heart. I satisfied myself with fandom because I thought that was all I could do, and turned to finishing thesis work. I matriculated in the fall semester of 2016, right into an international downswing in my industry. The degree that shattered my health in hand, I started looking for work. I was never hired. 

I returned to the idea of an original project in late fall 2018. I threw myself into research about the ancient Chinese fantasy setting, and was fortunate enough to have Chinese friends that have supported me and encouraged me from the beginning.  By December, my heroes had names and stories. My world had a bare-bones history. I read comments my friends wrote about the latest chapters I've written or plot points I've come up with and just think, damn, I'm lucky.  Someday I'll be able to repay them for their time and enthusiasm and love. 

In two more chapters, The Jade Veterinarian will be longer than anything else I have ever written. At last I get to say that about an original work. 

I would like to be a professional writer. I would like to be paid for my work. But this is the best I can do, for now. I'm trying to think about little victories without worrying about cataclysms that haven't happened yet. It's fucking hard in the current environment. But I'm still writing. 

I hope that someday, I'll get noticed. It would be like winning the lottery. 

small time problems

Wednesday, 14 August 2019 04:07 am
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
I have a hard time saying no to people. A lot of times when people are really excited about something, I have a hard time saying no. I just want everyone to be happy. I can see that I'd be a real downer if I said no, so I don't say no and just go along with whatever people are doing, if I don't have a strong preference (or if I'm attempting to remain neutral.) "Whatever y'all decide," I say, raising my hands in front of me. 

I also have a tendency to over-commit to things. I have a hard time focusing on just one thing, and keep multiple irons in the fire for whatever strikes my fancy. Sometimes I fuck up and I take on something with a deadline, and my usual iron management method doesn't work because I have something that needs to be done Now. When perturbed, this system is not resilient. It crumbles under stress.

My husband has started two new D&D games and I'm obligated to play in both of them—which isn't to say I don't enjoy it, but it's just another night out of my week that is spoken for. I try to play Overwatch with friends, but even this is something I can't do on all the nights they play. There's also MY D&D game which I feel obligated to run for my sisters, so that's four nights out of the week that already aren't mine. Coupled with my inability to focus, having more than half my nights per week taken up (and the others certainly up for grabs from whoever needs attention, whether it's my husband or my sister or whoever.) 

I have this novel I'm writing, and that really needs to take first priority, because I...

>.>

<.<

 

I have two or three fans?? People who aren't my friends who read it every week? And have followed me on twitter because of it? 

So I definitely don't want to disappoint them. 

But my buffer, which was supposed to give me room to breathe, has just been eaten up by a combination of being out of commission for computer work due to eyestrain and procrastination on a side project. I felt too guilty about not working on the side project to work on novel, but not so guilty I didn't procrastinate on the side project. The side project was one of those situations where I didn't say no, and slowly my contributions necessarily grew, so that I wasn't ever like 'no fuck this I'm out' but it was just so much more than I thought I was going to have to do. I was stuck in that space between increasing responsibility and decreasing handle on the situation. I wanted to produce something really great, so my perfectionism kicked in where I had little or no creative control (by my own design), and that was an exercise in remembering the Serenity Prayer, let me tell you. 

My anxiety is slowly getting ratcheted up, because I wanted all my finished chapters queued and done ages ago but that hasn't happened either, partially because procrastination, but also partially for reasons outside my control. I had this fantasy of being ten chapters ahead at all times and that is gone; at this point I'll be lucky to be three chapters ahead, and feeling the days breathing down my neck at all times.

And with all this, and the moonsickness, and my sister demanding a lot of time while she is going through The Stress, I just said 'fuck it' and did something really self-indulgent for this side project, instead of what I had discussed with a collaborator. And it was completely selfish and inconsiderate, but as it was, nothing was getting done anyway because I hated what I was doing, and I was starting to feel avoidant and indifferent about the pairing I was writing, which is not what I wanted at all. 

I was proud of knocking out a lot of words in one day, but my actions were selfish and thoughtless and trampled on someone's feelings, whose friendship and support I value and opinions and thoughts I respect. And now I'm just like...if I'd set boundaries earlier, it wouldn't have been so troublesome or painful to others for me to exert boundaries later. 

My eyes are starting to hurt again, and I need to take a break. I'm tired of being old. 

(no subject)

Thursday, 4 July 2019 06:46 pm
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
I've just put up the first chapter of my xianxia-esque danmei-inspired webnovel and it's scary? but also exciting. 

I must have shown the pre-published versions of my chapters to 15 people or so. I showed the master plot file, which contains information about the first half to two-thirds of the plot, to a further 4 or 5 people. I didn't get a single person who didn't encourage me to keep going, or who didn't seem excited about it. But there is always room for doubt. 

So I'm writing this little post to remind myself that it's a guarantee that someone out there will not like the story. Or that they won't like that I'm the one who's writing it. Or that they won't like me in particular, for whatever reasons they want. It doesn't change the fact that I am the one in the arena, daring greatly. 

(no subject)

Sunday, 24 March 2019 08:16 am
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
I've updated the list of worlds on my Original Stuff dw [personal profile] annewilder

 . 

Now I just have to actually write it. 

Patreon

Thursday, 21 March 2019 04:29 am
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
 I finally """launched"""" my Patreon page: https://www.patreon.com/annewilder

Yes, there's nothing up there. No, I don't expect anyone to actually sign up (and if you're thinking this is a stealthy way to just give me money, notice that Patreon is currently set up to charge you by the chapter, not the month, checkmate). I might put small summaries about the worlds I'm in up there. Maybe. 

I've done some more work firming up how ysys is going to be published. When I begin to put up chapters, they'll all be on a wordpress blog, but I might put the next chapter up on patreon a week in advance, but ""Paid"" chapters will be moved to the free wordpress blog the following week. So for example, Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4 will be available for free on the wordpress blog, and Chapter 5 will be available on the Patreon. The next week, Chapter 5 gets added to the already available free content on wordpress, and Chapter 6 goes up on Patreon. Each chapter is about 3000 words (or that's what I've been aiming for). 

But everything is going to be free at some point, so there's no need to pay for it. This is a direct outcome of reading The Gift (by Lewis Hyde) and believing in Brene Brown's teachings on vulnerability.  I believe that all I can do is offer up what I make as a gift, as an offering to everyone. But I also want to contribute to my household. If someone REALLY likes the story and gotta know what happens next? Then they can give me a dollar when a new chapter comes out. This is the best compromise I can come up with. 

I'm thinking about having "piecewise" support for different stories. If someone wishes, they can pay the bounty (in whole or in part) to bring the piece closer to publication. Once the bounty/price of the work has been paid, it's available for everyone. 

Putting prices on creative work still feels very wrong to me, but with Patreon making their moves this week to raise rates, it seemed like a good time to finish it.

advisory

Friday, 18 January 2019 02:56 am
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
I'm feeling pretty anxious lately about spending so much time on developing an original property, so I'm writing a post that I hope will work some of that out. 

When I started thinking about the setting and the characters of jade veterinarian, yu shou yi shi, 玉獸醫師, whatever I'm calling it, I was reading a lot of mxtx's xianxia BL. I am up-to-date on both mo dao zu shi and scum villain as of this post, and I haven't read heaven official's blessing, so maybe I'm missing out on more tropes, but I felt like I had a pretty good handle on """mxtx-inspired""" xianxia settings, enough to start daydreaming about my own. 

Daydreaming about my own setting, story, characters, is daring act, and one I would not have done even a year ago. (I still have other Serious Projects I'm working on.) I thought that having a regularly updated webnovel would be good training for me learning how to write professionally. I didn't want the subject to be too serious or I'd be tempted to spend more time on it. I want yu shou yi shi to be quick, informal storytelling for a group of friends hungry for chinese-fantasy-flavored BL.

I am hopeful that others will like it? and also afraid of it, because I'm not Chinese, and I don't speak the language. So I want to make an advisory for people, if I've talked about it and you're curious. 

yu shou yi shi is xianxia, but it's also... not. 
it's xianxia-esque. there will be big battles and intrigue and murder, because I liked those things in mxtx's plots. there will be big magic and demons and war. But I'm also a white queer, and I want to see things in my xianxia story that I don't see in mxtx, or in the genre as a whole. I want more queers in the story, and less (but not NO) homophobia. I want some filial piety, but I also want personal freedom. I want to play with gender roles. 

there's going to be things about yu shou yi shi that don't pass muster with people from se asia or china. like you are going to be able to read it and be like 'yeah sounds about white' (not shoes on in the house, not that bad, but like ... you'll see it, it's gonna be there, hell, just from the paragraph above you're probably already rolling your eyes like jesus christ this bitch)

so I just want people to know that going into it, before I even post anything. I want you to know that this is a white queer's imagined 'xianxia'/'Chinese' high fantasy world. yes, I'm talking to people who speak chinese about choices I'm making. i'm not just mashing sounds together, I'm making conscious choices about names, narratives, dialogues. i'm trying to clumsily work in puns and homophones, because I think they're fucking fun in english. I have been spending time reading about cooking, and agriculture, and idioms, and history, and trying to at least get the flavor close to right, if not the substance.

I'm not denigrating mxtx's original texts, because I love them a lot. I'm not keeping anyone else from having fun where they are, I'm not keeping people from finding and enjoying whatever translated or raw shit they wanna read. 

I just want to have a world like that where I can change things to be the way I want them to be, without disrespecting another creator, and with only a little bit (I hope) of disrespect to traditional, conservative values. maybe there's no way to do that without being inherently colonialist (especially since white folks brought the homophobia into asia anyway lmao) but i'm going to do my best with it while still telling gay stories.

having read all that, if you want to read ysys? if this sounds like something you'd be into? that's great. 

tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
 
interactions between identity and loyalty (via cruelty, connection, and sexual themes): I enjoy looking at a character's identity or sense of loyalty and pressing on that with cruelty, connection, or sexual information. Does a character's sexual feeling change when confronted with new sexual experiences? Does a vassal remain loyal to a master who is cruel? Does connection on the basis of identity supersede a connection based on loyalty? Is a connection based on sexual feelings as strong as a connection based on loyalty?
 
interactions between courage and shame (via honesty and vulnerability) What does it mean to be courageous? Is it more brave to divulge or to conceal? Is there an action that can force even a 'shameless' person to feel shame? When is shame being weaponized appropriate? When is courage the wrong response? 
 
interactions between carefully-laid plans and chaos (via shock.): How do characters react to a sudden shock of the system? How does the world react to sudden, even violent, chaos? 

interactions between the sacred, secular, and status: the confluence of divinity, social standing, and exploitation. 

interactions between the disgusting honesty and the sterilized lie: a neat and tidy lie versus a messy and squalid truth. I like to stain, moisten, spatter the lie, and dissect, illuminate, understand the truth. 

interactions between fantasy realpolitik and rigid social codes.

interactions between the monstrous Self and the monstrous Other: focusing on recognition, synergy, moving between Self and Other.

new original project

Wednesday, 12 December 2018 11:41 pm
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
the more I've spent time on my xianxia BL project, the more I feel like it deserves to be handled like an original and not a fanwork, so I'll probably migrate that over to [personal profile] annewilder with all my other original stuff. This project feels much more relaxed to me, like a fun place to try out different ideas, so I'm hopeful that I can start it soon. 

It stars Lian Zhidiao, a writer of harem novels who died somehow and got sucked into a world full of flying swords, cultivation, geomancy, and beautiful men. The story seems familiar, and after some time examining his place in this world, he thinks he might have written it! Certainly it seems like the kind of gimmicky formulaic schlock he wrote to pay his bills. But this character whose life he's living out--who is he? And the handsome Yue Fengjian-- he must be the main character, judging from the way beautiful women flock to him. Ah, there must be some other details he's forgetting, but this is enough to go on for now. If he can remember the plot of this throwaway story, he might know just enough, just in time to save himself. 


tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)

I like fantasy stories, especially sword-and-sorcery stories, and xianxia is refreshing to read. Xianxia overall seems to have a lot of rules or conventions, and the BL novels I've read seem to conform to these fairly well: they just happen to be a little Gay. As happens a lot when I fall into a new interest, I think about worlds and world-building. So I have an idea for a xianxia-esque BL novel.

However, I'm definitely white. Xianxia definitely isn't something a white person should write. White people should stick to dwarves and """dark elves""" and whatever. I felt like this after I read (what I could) of Feng Yu Jiu Tian, too. Definitely should not write this. But the more I read, the more I want to experiment with the form in a loving way. 

I was going to put a poll on twitter that was basically asking permission to write, as if my followers on twitter would be able to shield me from accusations of cultural appropriation, even if they wanted to. I'm scared of judgment, but honestly, given what I've already written? When I just decided "you know what, I'm going to write it, and people are going to have to either Ignore it or Deal With It"? 

Stephen King is not a writer I read, but I appreciate his antics on twitter with regards to our fool of a president. He had a piece of advice for writers: 

Write with the door closed. Edit with the door open. 

If I get through it and present it to the world and no one but my friends likes it, and people say I'm aPpRoPrIaTiNg, well that's just the way it's going to be, isn't it? 

tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
 The more I read about optimal experience, or flow, the more I realize that doing creative work in a fandom is very touch-and-go with regards to how fulfilled one can feel while doing it. 

There are eight requirements for flow to begin while doing a task: 
  • We must confront tasks that we have a chance of completing
  • We must be able to concentrate on what we are doing
  • Our task must have a clear goal...
  • ...and provide immediate feedback
  • We must have deep but effortless involvement that removes from awareness the worries and frustrations of everyday life.
  • We must be able to exercise a sense of control over our actions
  • Concern for the self disappears, but returns stronger. 
  • The sense of duration of time is altered. 

Taking part in a fandom might confound this set of requirements in several ways. The one that jumps out is having a sense of control over our actions, but a clear goal and immediate feedback seem difficult as well.

But even as I typed that out, I realized that I was wrong. In order to get satisfaction from fandom work, writing or art, either one, the satisfaction has to be in the making. 
 


optimal experience

Wednesday, 28 November 2018 09:29 am
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
I recently retweeted something about how mental illness has ruined [my] ability to focus, self-regulate, and form memories. This is true. Depending on which variety of mental illness one has, these can all be impaired for the duration of the mental illness.

Modern psychological thinking (say, from the 1970s-80s) struggled with reconciling older, paternalistic approaches to medicine and mental health. With Old Medicine, you get doctors who identify symptoms, present them in a pathological framework, prescribe medication and outline steps the patient should take to recover from injury. They treated mental illness like a bone break, and a lack of symptoms meant the patient was cured. But we, the sick, know that this isn't how mental illness works. 

To challenge this "curative" model was the "recovery" model, which emphasized that recovering from mental illness did not necessarily mean a return to functional baseline that existed prior to illness. Rather, it recognized that after an episode of major mental illness, a return to previous functioning may not be possible. The objective of recovery should be to identify strengths, encourage the development of different traits which allow the person to feel productive, and to work within that person's expectations and the realities of their conditions to get them to a place where they are happy, without using the "previous condition" as a benchmark for this happiness. 

This is a better model for the treatment of mental illness, but for those of us who have gotten through the heavy lifting, the hard emotional work, the CBT, the discomfort of coming right up against our limitations, we are often unsatisfied with the life that waits for us afterwards. I mean, yeah, I don't want to kill myself, but I still can't find a job, so how long is this 'upswing' going to last, really?

In the same way that physical therapy improves use of a limb after a bone break has healed, giving back strength and flexibility, I need 'physical therapy' for a brain that suffered an injury. What I need is to find a set of exercises that will make me more satisfied with where I am in life, and where I am creatively. Ideally, these exercises should: 
  • improve focus
  • improve creativity
  • greatly reduce jealousy/envy of those in a 'better' life situation than myself.
  • satisfy my needs for competence, autonomy, and belonging. 

I'm still learning about what this would look like, but already I am seeing signs that bad habits I picked up years ago (and didn't address in therapy because therapy time was for Heavy Lifting) have become a problem. 

 


Tiger Omegaverse

Sunday, 25 November 2018 08:55 am
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)

I really love ‘biology you can’t deny’, or the pon farr trope, which resurfaced in modern fandom as Alpha/Beta/Omega or Omegaverse via the Supernatural fandom community. (You can read more about its origins on Fanlore).

However, I’m not much of a dog person. I’m more of a cat (and dinosaur) person. I have modified the biology/social aspects of ABO to match what I like to read and write: a highly structured, conservative society with codified roles that doesn’t allow for much mobility and creates sociosexual tension between different members. Almost all the ABO I write feels very 'historical’, that is, it’s not a modern society.

Population distribution

As with other ABO universes, mine is heavy on Betas, both males and females. However, there are more Alphas born than Omegas, so more diverse pairings are seen, and Omegas, the universal breeder, are coveted, but have few rights of their own.

Alphas

Alphas are high-risk, high-reward soldiers, fearless and strong, with little thought for their own safety. Alphas are faster, stronger, hairier, and in most cases, larger than the average for the species. Alphas have large patches of special scent-producing skin at the temples and in very large individuals, along the jaw line. These patches are hidden in the hairline, but if the Alpha chooses to shave, the scent patches are darker and oilier. Alphas tend to spend a lot of time grooming to distribute this oil evenly. The increased hair that grows in these areas contributes to a mane or ruff effect around the face.

In males, the penis is larger than a Beta male’s, and has a small knot. The purpose of the knot isn’t to seal the mating pair together, it is to raise and press spines into the walls of the receiving partner. Spines become erect late in coitus, but prior to ejaculation. Interruption of coitus after the spines have pressed into the walls of the receiving partner will result in sharp pain and perhaps break the mucus membranes. When allowed to retract naturally after ejaculation, no pain is felt upon withdrawal.

In females, the clitoris is enlarged and contains a canal through which semen is delivered to the Beta or Omega. Spines are smaller than those of males, but occur along almost the entire length of the erect tissue. Uterus and ovaries may be withered or absent, and Alpha females suffer from increased risk of miscarriage.

When an Alpha is courting an in-season Omega, they will make a courtship bellow, a deep vibrating roar or heavy purring sound made by vibrating the diaphragm. At first the bellow may be made at a distance. If the Omega is receptive, the Alpha will press their body against them and make the bellow again. The force and tone of the bellow is a test of fitness; deeper and louder is better. Since the bellow uses the diaphragm and not the vocal cords, male and female Alphas produce comparably deep bellows.

Betas

Very similar to adult humans, with a few hormonal differences. Betas cannot scent the difference between a Male Beta/Male Omega or Female Beta/Female Omega. However, all Betas can scent an Alpha, especially if that Alpha is part of their family group. Betas can defer to Alphas, but in the absence of an Alpha, Betas control the social order, and may resist an Alpha who attempts to take over the family group, even killing them to preserve order.

Omegas

The only ones to experience periods of increased fecundity called season or a heat. During this time, the body temperature rises, the Omega may make repeated loud vocalizations to attract a mate. They produce a scent intended to travel long distances, and Omegas frequently bathe in rivers to allow the scent to travel further downstream and attract suitors from further away.

Omega females are the most sought after, as their hyperfecundity allows for litters of two or three to be born regularly. Their breasts are very large, as are their hips, with increased bone density to handle the hormonal pressures of multiple pregnancies.

Omega males have wider hips than Beta males, and are flat-chested, but develop breasts during pregnancy (which slowly disappear after weaning.) They can be impregnated through anal sex during a heat, when the internal cloacal flap swells to hold the birth canal open and allow insemination. The anus/cloaca is lubricated during heat, which may result in intestinal distress if a heat is allowed to go on too long. Litters are also possible with Omega males, but births of one child are more common.

Mating

Mating can occur between all members of the species, but this mating may not produce a child. Alpha females and Beta females are the most stable pairs, and tend to form the core of leadership, followed by Beta M/F pairings and Alpha male-Omega male or female.  Pairings that can produce a child are called breeding pairs. However, large family groups are common, and if an Omega has a large litter, childless pairs will frequently take on one of an Omega’s litter to raise as their own.

Pair-bonding

Pair-bonding refers to the act of making a claim to a mate, usually by marking the mate’s body with a bite on the neck or shoulder. It is much less common in Beta-Beta pairs, which do not experience heat or rut, and so do not need to leave bond-marks.

Pair-bonding between Alphas or an Alpha and a Beta may include marking at the pair’s discretion. The Alpha will mark the Beta if they choose to do so, but the Beta does not mark the Alpha. The only time an Alpha is marked is in a pair with another Alpha. This is done largely as a social cue that the Alphas are in a committed pair. The marks may or may not be on both members of the pair. Scent-marking is much more important to Alpha-Alpha pairs, and involves rubbing the scent-rich oil from the scent patches in the hair to mark each other as family.

Pair-bonding in Omegas is necessary to forestall the quick succession of heats an Omega will go through if they are not mated. Biting the Omega’s shoulder or neck during mating releases a torrent of bonding and intimacy hormones, which mark their mate as family and space out their heats more widely. Unmated Omegas are often counseled to seclude themselves with a 'toy’. An orgasm while penetrated will end the heat for at least another two weeks, after which time, the Omega will come back into season. Multiple heats without a mating may result in a uterine infection in both males and females, which is painful and may lead to septic shock and death. For this reason, it is very important that Omegas are mated shortly after sexual maturity (onset of first heat). This age varies between 12 and 16, with some as early as 10 or as late as 18.

Omegas are frequently given or sold (via 'bride price’) to a family of high status before their first heat. The family they are married off to may or may not have an Alpha or Beta ready to breed them, but may acquire them as primary or secondary wives for one of its members. Because of the strong scent signalling between Omegas and Alphas (and their offspring), members of families joined by blood and marriage in this way experience extreme physical revulsion to intrafamily violence. Families joined together by an Omega’s marriage secure the future against war and violence. This led to the development of clans, which absorb smaller families to refresh the breeding pool and strengthen their ties.

Broken pairs

Omegas will not come into season while lactating, so if their Alpha is killed or driven off while they are suckling a kit, an invading Alpha will frequently kill the absent Alpha’s kits to force the Omega back into season. After the Omega is no longer suckling a kit, heats typically resume within six to eight weeks. Mating after this time will result in the old Alpha’s mark being replaced by the Omega’s attachment to the new Alpha. Raiding parties or bachelor groups that sack a family seat are frequently made up entirely of Alphas with some Betas, but killing kits is an Alpha-only activity.

If an Alpha is killed but the Omega is still suckling a kit, the Omega will not come into season again until six to eight weeks after weaning. For many Omegas, they loathe the idea of being mated again to anyone but their dead/absent mate, and will refuse to stop breastfeeding unless ordered to do so by the clan leadership or forcibly separated from a nursing kit. Older widowed Omegas are frequently wet nurses to the clan’s children.

upcoming projects

Tuesday, 20 November 2018 12:39 pm
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
[touken ranbu] [zine] ookanehira and juzumaru: a short story about good boys and their gourds. 
[touken ranbu] [secret santa 2018] oodenta and maeda: a story about making the best choices to alleviate suffering.
[hypnosis microphone] [yuletide] a multi-part fic about how several different pairs all add up to three. 


planned story ideas: 

jirousani: jiroutachi is a touken danshi through and through, but certain developments mean that he and his master must be embedded in the 21st century. together they navigate a minefield of expectations and personal desire

yagentonbo: a change in time retrograde army tactics necessitates splitting up the teams. yagen and tonbo are sent to find an assassin hiding in the turmoil between the battle of anegawa, the battle of nagashino and the battles of kuisegawa and sekigahara. 

otemutsu: mutsnokami acquires his master's densha otaku tendencies and begins crisscrossing the country with the only other young sword at his side, otegine. 
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)

Firstly, thank you so much for your time and attention to my yuletide request. This is my second yuletide and I had so much fun last year that I decided to do it again. I'll try to be direct and to-the-point.  Anonymous comments are on if you have any questions about the prompts. 

Things I like, in general: 
--Explicit sexual content is always welcome, with appropriate lube usage
--Bittersweet; something gained but 'at what cost'
--Presence of the seasons and natural world in fiction
--High sensuality, especially with scent, color, fabric, and sound
--Bondage and/or light BDSM play
--Yearning/pining, ESPECIALLY with slow burn
--Politeness kink (playing with moving back and forth through private and public spaces as indicated by keigo, mode of address, and bodily closeness)
--Deep introspective dives into regret, followed by a single light at the end of the tunnel


OK in moderation:
--Drugs
--Gratuitous violence that is not canon-appropriate
--Dub-con
--Knife/Bladeplay


Things I do not want, in general  (further DNWs under each request):
--No scat, watersports, extended descriptions of vomit, rape, gratuitous gore or eye horror
--No nicknames or affectionate pet names (honey, darling, etc)
--Intense, protracted social embarrassment and/or shame on the part of any character, or continued teasing/shaming of that character (embarrassed about a boner? okay. ashamed of their bad decisions and told about it for pages? not okay)
--Pregnancy, kids, mpreg
--ABO (I actually love ABO but I am so picky about it it's better to Just Say No)
--Death.
--"Crack"fic
--Issuefic. 

Yuletide Request 1: Thunderbolt Fantasy, Shang + Lin
DNW: References to LinSha, except as a past thing. 
Optional bonus: Appearances by Lang and his Rowdy Lute

I feel like Lin and Shang have a very contentious relationship, but while Lin might be the kind to hatefuck, Shang is not. One of my friends recently brought up the idea of Shang very aggressively 'lovefucking' Lin. So maybe Shang is well aware of what kind of people are chasing him across the Wasteland of Spirits. Lin, being as overleveled as he is, might not take it seriously, but Shang might feel the need to give Lin the slip to spare him being caught up in the schemes and machinations of his old enemies-- not that he thinks Lin can't handle himself (or that Lin doesn't deserve all the trouble he gets into)... It's more like Lin is unpredictable with new sources of power around. Let him chase after Shang some other time, trying to discover and then claim that intangible something that no one else can steal. What happens if Lin doesn't take the hint when Shang cuts him loose? Or takes the WRONG hint? Feel free to incorporate stuff from Season 2 as it happens, esp if Lin figures out that Lang and Shang were an item in the past and Lang got cut loose just like he's been cut loose. I don't care how you get there or what shady decisions you have Lin make to get there. Just have Shang aggressively 'lovefuck' Lin and we'll be good. 




Yuletide Request 2: Hypnosis Mic OT3, Doppo + Jakurai + Hifumi polyship
DNW: Not even a whisper of RamuJaku. References to Ramuda should be as cursory as possible. 
Optional bonus: References to Samatoki and Jyuto in a dysfunctional (working and romantic) relationship
Additional bonus: A kiss under a big Christmas tree between Jakuhifu and Doppojaku followed by Doppohifu holding hands on the way home

Please give me a Japanese Christmas fic with Doppo having to work late/overtime, his boss snapping that he doesn't have a girlfriend so he doesn't have any excuse to get out early, and Jakurai and Hifumi each trying to procure (1) bucket of KFC and (1) Christmas Cake despite the late hour and no plans made. Hijinks ensue. Maybe they can find the chicken and cake, maybe not. . Romantic dinner for three may take place anywhere, after any amount of comedic or fluffy slice-of-life relationship exploration. Feel free to allow Hifumi to use his connections in host-mode to get what he wants. Some 'Gift of the Magi' energy would be nice (as long as Jakurai doesn't cut his hair!) example: Doppo trying to work overtime on Christmas in order to be able to take an extra day off at New Year or something, but Jakurai taking Christmas off because he has to be on-call at the hospital on New Year's Eve. More big bonus points to Hifumi being a good wife to them both. 



Yuletide Request 3: KADO The Right Answer, Yaha-kui zaShunina + Shindou Kojirou, (with optional guest Hanamori Shun)
DNW: Any mentions of Kanata.
Optional bonus: A scene with Shindou talking with his mother (a la that one episode where she talks about zaShunina's family) where he realizes he loves zaShunina

I would like to see a treatment of zaShunina as potentially insecure lover. The more human he becomes, the more he becomes aware of the ways in which Shindou is tied to those around him. Is Shindou just a dependable senpai to Hanamori? Or something more? zaShunina and Shindou need not be in a relationship for zaShunina to develop these insecurities (and it might be more painfully sweet if they are not, but then Shindou realizes he needs zaShunina in his life.) Would super love to see this culminate in a tender, private kiss (and maybe fucking?? IDK go wild)



Yuletide Request 4: Today's Menu For the Emiya Family, Lancer and Archer

DNW: None I can think of
Optional bonus: Attach an Actual Recipe you've found/tested.

I'm a disgusting Fate/Casual but I'd love to see Lancer taking care of Archer when he's sick, especially if he can make him some salmon ochazuke to help him through the cold/flu. Bonus points to you if you pick some fishy thing other than salmon ochazuke that Lancer can make and feed to Archer to help him get better. Also big big bonus points if Archer is being a bit tsun about the whole thing but gives him a grudging 'thanks' at the end of it, which encourages Lancer's big puppy affection even more. 



Yuletide Request 5: 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 Mo Dao Zu Shi by Moxiang Tongsiu, Lan WangJi with Wei WuXian and Wen Ning

DNW: Ribbon bondage with LWJ's headband
Optional bonus: scene where Wen Ning, who was set to watch over LWJ while WWX was out doing stuff, faces the decision of describing LWJ's activities to WWX or letting it slide. 

Post Sunshot and post-resurrection, I'd like to see Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian traveling, and Lan WangJi trying to take advantage of Wei WuXian's absence (your choice as to why he's not present) to get a chance to masturbate to thoughts of Wei WuXian. However, he cannot shake the feeling of being watched, and instead of it dampening his lust, it only serves to enflame it. Wen Ning is really cute, and I want to see your take on whether he'd realize the object of Lan WangJi's lusts and tell Wei WuXian or if he'd keep it to himself. (Also would Wei WuXian even notice, since he kinda dense when it comes to his feelings about Lan WangJi...) Basically, Wen Ning being a cute third wheel to slightly sexually-frustrated Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian, who can see that Lan WangJi is head over heels for Wei WuXian and his master hasn't realized his own feelings. 



Yuletide Request 6: Natsume Yuujinchou (Natsume's Book of Friends), Natsume Takashi and Matoba Seiji

DNW: Mentions of Tanuma
Optional bonus: 'Friendly' handjobs? 

I'm not a HUGE Natsume fan but I do love the series. Even though my main ship is Natsume and Tanuma, I can't deny that Matoba hits a lot of my switches, so I want to see something with him and Natsume. I'd like it to be dripping with intrigue or have preludes to skirmishes with youkai. Maybe Matoba is planning something big and sees Natsume as an asset he wants at his disposal. Maybe he's actually open to viewing him as an equal (regardless of how correct his interpretation of Natsume's relationship with youkai is). I want to see Matoba more aggressively pursuing Natsume, even wooing him. Use whatever other characters you want to make your arguments for or against the relationship within the narrative, but Natsume eventually goes to see Matoba. How does he invite him? How close can Matoba get to him? How far will Natsume let him get? Can he get away with holding hands? A kiss? Even more? I want to see Matoba simmering with barely-contained desire--up to you what he desires (cough THE BOOK coughcough), and how far he goes to get it. 


tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
 "I'm home!" 
"Welcome back," the saniwa calls, looking up from her book only when Jiroutachi appears in the doorway. His cheeks nearly glow from the cool autumn air outside, to contrast with the red eyeshadow at the corners of his eyes. It looks as if he's wearing mascara and liner, but his lashes are naturally long and thick. "How was work?"

The Donki penguin announces the contents of the sack in Jiroutachi's hand as well as anything else. "Fine, except for a troublesome customer." The sack makes a characteristic clink-clink sound as he puts it down, and a quick check inside reveals two brown bottles with white labels and the characteristic black silhouettes of swords. 
"Kuromatsu again?" 
"Of course~!" he responds in his usual sing-song voice as he walks back into the kitchen. 
"Can't we have something else?" 
"Master, you can't expect a sword like me to go without sake for so long," he replies, his nasal voice carrying well throughout their small apartment. "It's not good for a holy sword to collect unwanted spiritual influences." He walks in, plucking one of the bottles of Kenbishi Kuromatsu out of the bag, and then, with a wink at the saniwa, grabbing the other. The saniwa lifts a brow and then goes back to her book.
"Did Aniki call?" 
"Only briefly." She pauses on the same page, looking up at the doorway. "He said they're going to a love hotel tonight." 
Jiroutachi slides back down the hallway on his tabi-socked feet. His hands catch the door frame and his ponytail spills over his shoulder as he leans forward. "A love hotel?" 
"Mm-hmm." 
"Aniki is? With Master's brother?" 
"Mm-hmm." The saniwa looks up over the edge of her book at Jiroutachi. "You seem like you want to say something." 
Jirou blinks, and then giggles, waving away her concerns with his hand. "No, no, I don't have any concerns." He pushes his ponytail back over his shoulder, letting it fall half-pulled down his back. "Really, I am surprised they are going out." 
"it's better than listening to them doing it downstairs," she replies. 
Jiroutachi's voice warbles back down the hall. "Perhaps, Master. I did not think they were so loud." 
"They're loud enough," she says with some finality, snapping her book shut. "People should go to love hotels for that kind of thing. It makes others uncomfortable if they have to listen to it." 
"I suppose~" Jirou answers. The stove starts click-click-clicking, and then there's the soft fwoosh of the gas catching. The pan comes out next, the water splashes into it, and then the sound of porcelain gotten down from the cabinet and set down ringing on the counter. 

He drinks every time he gets home. It's bad enough that she's got to deal with Time Government constantly questioning her use of funds on sake every week. But Jiroutachi himself is often more than a handful when he's drunk.  

tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
Often the 'extra work' Jakurai does is on the seamier side: bandaging knife wounds and treating heavy contusions earns him the 'protection' of the local yakuza, who praise his skill with a needle. Some of his outreach extends to treating sex workers with sexually-transmitted infections, especially hosts and soapland workers, whose jobs will be threatened if it gets back to their bosses exactly what kind of doctoring they need. For families with internal problems that need to save face, he doesn't ask many questions about why or how something happened. Shinjuku Central Hospital doesn't ask questions either. 

His stoicism is well-known; Hifumi calls it his ♥*♡+:。charm point。:+♡*♥. 
Nevertheless, this one time, in this one case, he must speak up. 

"I am not your psychiatrist," he says.
"I-I know, Sensei." He looks up at Jakurai with those hollow eyes. 
Jakurai looks at Doppo again, and then goes over the patient record again. "But you are here asking for sleeping pills to help with your anxiety." He glances at Doppo over the rim of his glasses. 
Doppo flinches a little at Jakurai's direct gaze, and can't bear the eye contact. "I-I made an appointment with someone here. In the psychiatric ward." He stumbles over the unfamiliar word. 
"Good," Jakurai replies. "If you will let me know the doctor's name, I'll put it on your chart for reference." 
"It... It's not.." Doppo says, his voice shot through with despair. 
"Not?" 
"The appointment... it's not for several months." 
"...oh." A line forms on Jakurai's perfect brow. "I see." 
"It's my fault!" A torrent of guilt pours out of Doppo's mouth. "I knew I should have scheduled it ages ago, that the wait times were long, but I didn't think it would be this long. If I can barely make it to an appointment with you, Sensei, how am I supposed to make it months? Will I even last that long?" His hand closes on his chest, fingers curling over his heart, as if he would rip it out. "If I cry again at work I don't think I can take my boss staring at my red face when I come out of the bathroom--I think he knew last time that I'd been--"
"Doppo." Jakurai takes his glasses off, shoving them in his coat pocket. He sets the clipboard aside and puts his hands in his pockets. "This is not your fault." 
"No, I-- I should be able to do this," Doppo hiccups. "I got caught up in managing deadlines at work, and before I knew it--"
"It was already bad," Jakurai muses. 
"Y-Yes." 
"Very well," Jakurai says, with the air of a man who has made a big decision. "Come to my apartment tonight."
Doppo's heart skips a beat. "Your apartment?" 
"Not as a patient," Jakurai adds. "But as a friend. We will make a plan to get you through the months ahead." 

the power of fear

NSFW Friday, 7 September 2018 11:54 pm
tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
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tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)

I was feeling my way back in my mind, trying to find where I stopped spending so much time on writing. It plummeted as I got into undergrad studies and then slowly rose. Time I didn't spend with my ex fiance was spent writing, escaping. 

Back in like 2003, as I worked in my favorite fandom under a different handle, I produced a lot of work. I hung out with three or four friends in a Skype chat. We didn't work collaboratively in the same fandom. And yet, we did all get things done, didn't we? We all wrote--I took several writing courses in undergrad that they did beta reading for, even when they were uncomfortable with the content. For some reason, even though I had lots of opportunity to socialize and naff about with them, we didn't keep each other from working. 

So it wasn't the socializing on Skype. And it wasn't undergrad, or even a fiance. 

I stopped writing so much after I broke up with my ex fiance. I kind of stopped doing nerdy and weird things, looking for another partner. I found him--and we're happily married now--and then, during a very low point at the end of my first year of grad school, I started to be a nerd again. A really intense nerd about swords, and gay things. My tumblr, which had been a slow-moving backup for instagram pictures, changed in the space of 2 weeks to a full-on weeb den. I withdrew, dissociated frequently, not moving for hours, barely ate, barely slept, barely talked to my new husband. I wrote a LOT. 

So now, tt's clear that it's not small-time socialization, between one or two or four people. It's not school (although that's now concluded). It's not my husband. 

I think it may be social media and mobage. 

I am so well-trained that I open twitter before I open email. I check the news, I login to 4 or 5 mobage for the login rewards. I check them again for when timers are up. There is always an event that demands my time and attention. Always news on the Twitter that demands my outrage or art tweets that demand my admiration.  

So I'm going to try to revert my internet experience to a largely 2002-2004 one. 

Block Tumblr. Block Twitter most of the time. Stop focusing on everyone else's content, everyone else's media, and focus on mine. 
 

tigerine: tanizaki junichirou from bungo to alchemist (Default)
Although I'm really active on my twitter, I intend to use this page as I used LJ back in the late 90s: a longform journaling platform. I used to write a lot more back then, so maybe journaling will help cut down on the long-ass twitter threads I tend to do without notice on random things that come through my feed. And maybe it can lead me back to writing the way I loved doing ages ago.  
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